Dear Drew…Long Distance Relationship

Hey Drew,

I met a guy who lives in another country who is very friendly and fun one moment and shuts off completely other times asking for large times apart. We are long distance and so I often worry if I’m being played. I like to be in touch with a partner a lot and it’s making me sad and I’m wondering what to do?

Dear Reader,

Thank you for getting in touch! By sending me your message it shows that you care deeply about your relationship with this guy, and want to do something to help it grow and blossom. This is a good sign!

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Contrary to popular belief, long-distance relationships can work, they are just a lot harder. Obviously being supportive of another person, and feeling the same back, is easier if you two are physically close to one another, which is why there is often this idea that long-distance never works out. However in this age of technology, where we can get in contact with pretty much anyone over the phone, on social media, or video call, it is much easier to bond with someone and maintain a loving, romantic relationship. Especially if in your situation, where your partner lives in another country, and travelling to see them is especially difficult.

You mentioned that while things appear up at times, your partner sometimes “shuts off completely… asking for long times apart”. It sounds to me that there is something going on in your partner’s life that they feel they cannot share with you, for whatever reason that may be. Do you know if your partner is going through a particularly stressful time at the moment? If so, have you made it clear to them that you are here to support them, and are willing to listen to their struggle? Being receptive to a partner’s pain and worries lends to stronger bonding between the two of you, although I must stress that you need to look after yourself too, and that you should feel that your partner can do the same for you also.

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You have the right to feel the way you do, and your suspicions, whether there is truth in them or not, are legitimate. You do not have the reassurance of being with that person on a regular basis, so it is natural to wonder what is going on. While I would not go accusing your partner of infidelity or taking you for a fool, I do recommend you be honest with them about how you are feeling. From what I can understand, you feel a disconnect from your partner, and so confronting them by expressing this may make them aware of how their actions are affecting you.

From my own experience, I was in a long-distance relationship with a guy who lived in a different part of the country from me. We would often message each other, sending shady gifs from our favourite drag queen related reality TV show, which I found hilarious, and gave us our own little ‘thing’. A private joke that we were only clued in on. Ultimately the relationship didn’t work out because, when I confronted him about how I felt he was not putting in the effort to come see me in person (as I tried to take every opportunity I could to see him), he responded very poorly, spouting abuse. I ended the relationship, knowing that I made the right decision, as he was not supporting me as much I was supporting him.

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In essence, make it clear to him that you are making the effort to maintain this relationship, make plans to do things together over the internet and later in person, and be honest and open when communicating with your partner so that you are both aware of each other’s struggles. I hope this has given you some things to think about and practice, and that you work it out with your partner.

All The Best,

Drew

Need some help or advice? Send in a question today by commenting on this post below! An anonymous, private message will be sent to me and the team, where I can answer them in the new Agony Aunt series ‘Dear Drew’.